Ceres's Interrogation
by Kathryn M.B. Denson
Summary: Integra decides to question Ceres about her bra size getting larger throughout the entire time she's been at the Hellsing Organization. What happens when Alucard comes in and starts reading her thoughts on the issue? Has everyone gone insane? Please re


Ceres's Interrogation

Author's Note: Hi! This is my first Hellsing fanfic. My friend brought it over to my house one day and I watched it all in one sitting. A conversation with another friend about Ceres conjured up this spontaneous fic. I improvised it over the conversation and let him laugh a little, so it must be funny.

Please forgive me for the OOC-ness on the part of Integra. It was sadly necessary to write this fic.

Warnings: Uh, not much, really. Just some comments on certain areas of Ceres's anatomy and a couple of people questioning Integra's sexuality. Please do not take offense to this; I love Integra. It was all in good fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or any of its characters, yada, yada, yada…if you sue, me I can just point to this disclaimer and say I never CLAIMED to own it in the first place.

* * *

Ceres Victoria carefully stepped into Integra's office, which smelled strongly of cigar smoke and mint. "Er…Sir Integra?" Ceres called. She closed the door gingerly, trying not to make a lot of noise. "Walter said you sent for me."

Integra didn't look up from her book. "Have a seat, Victoria."

Ceres hesitantly sat in the seat in front of Integra's desk, crossing her legs and waiting patiently, if not nervously. It was two minutes or so before Integra set the book down.

"Officer Ceres," Integra sighed. "It has come to our attention that your...chest...is growing constantly."

Ceres blinked stupidly. "S-Sir Integra, what do you mean to imply--"

Integra slammed her palms on the table, glaring at the policegirl. "Don't argue, Officer Ceres! Your breasts have increased in size throughout the entire time you have been with us!"

Integra leaned close to her, her blue eyes narrowing. "Don't lie, Officer Ceres. You are stuffing your bra..." Here she paused dramatically. "...to gain Alucard's attention!"

Ceres gaped at her with her mouth wide open. "Sir Integra?"  
"Well?" Integra said, satisfied. She sat back in her chair. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Umm..." Ceres thought about it for a long moment. "I...am not guilty?"

"Ceres," Integra sighed, lighting her cigar. "It's easy to see why you're in love with Alucard. After all, he's intelligent, he's strong, he's dead sexy without a shirt on..."

Ceres watched on in horror. "Sir Integra, I don't stuff!" she objected.

"Don't argue! When you joined us, your breasts were size C...now they're up to size triple D." Integra blew a puff of smoke. "How do you explain this?"

"Well, you see, I--" Ceres was saved from the embarrassment of answering when Alucard's head popped out of the cieling.

"Master," Alucard purred. "You called me here?"

Ceres went from pink to tomato red to blue to white, praying that Alucard would not read her mind and realize what they had been talking about. Not able to listen over the volume of her own panicked thoughts, Ceres didn't hear a word of Alucard and Integra's conversation, but she did notice a pink tinge at Integra's cheeks.

_She likes Alucard, _Ceres realized. _And all this time I thought she was gay! I mean, the cigars, the guns, the suits, the masculine title and all of that...you'd think she was k.d. lang!_

A foreign presence found its way into her mind, and she heard Alucard laughing. Both in her head and out. Ceres stared at him, struggling not to panic for thoughts of what would happen if Alucard told Integra what she had been thinking.

"What? What's so funny?" Integra said desperately. "Was it something I said? Do I have something stuck in my teeth? Do I--?" But Alucard was laughing too hard to reply to her.

_Nice one, police girl, _his voice echoed through her head.

_Are you going to tell on me?_ she thought at him, but he didn't answer her.

_And all of this because I'm stuffing my bra, _Ceres thought. _Maybe I should ease up just a little on the tissue... _

Alucard started laughing even harder, and Ceres didn't even ask why, her face buring.

"What's so funny?" Integra wailed. She picked out the most likely culprit in the room and turned on her. "You! Policegirl!" she snarled. "What is the meaning of this? Have you sabotaged me in some way? You did something to my makeup to make my face turn green, didn't you?"

"Wha?" Ceres cried. "But Sir Integra!"

"No 'buts', you little traitor! You have done something to me; I just know it!"

"I, uh..." She glanced at Alucard, who was still laughing. "I told Alucard a joke? Yeah, that's it…a joke…"

"You joked with him about my green face!"

Integra's face was not green, but red with anger. Ceres gulped. "Integra, I didn't do anything to your make--"

"You have been conspiring together behind my back!" she snarled, pointing a finger at a very surprised Alucard. "You have been planning to publicly humiliate me...in...in...in PUBLIC!"

Alucard stopped laughing and gave her a toothy grin. "Master, as much as I would love to see you publicly humiliated, I did not have any part in this."

"You lie, impure creature! You had something to do with this, I know--" She stopped. "Wait...Alucard? You wanted to see me publicly humiliated?" She turned on Ceres yet again. "This is all your fault! You are trying to steal him away with you, aren't you!" She went on, not giving Ceres a chance to argue. "I will deal with you now before this turns into some mad mutiny! I will---"

"Sir Integra!" Walter came running through the door, holding a beautiful antique mirror with an ivory handle. "Your reflection does not have a green face."

"Yes, it--no, wait--it doesn't?" She appeared very confused. "But--but Ceres turned my face green in her evil plot with Alucard and--""

"Sir Integra, you have been ranting and not letting the poor girl say a word in her defense," Walter sighed.

Integra frowned. "But--but they were plotting against me..."

"Yes, dear," Walter said. "Now go to your room and get some rest."

* * *

A few minutes later, Walter walked Ceres back to her room. "You'll have to excuse Integra," he explained to her calmly. "She's not well today and she really hasn't been getting the correct amount of sleep."

"T-that's okay," Ceres mumbled, still blushing. "So, did you, uh, heard that whole conversation, did you?"

"Yes, and I have but a simple warning for you, Ceres Victoria."

"Sure, what?"

"Please be gentle with Sir Integra's affections," Walter said.

Ceres stopped in her tracks. "With Integra's affect--"

"Her feelings for you must have clouded her judgement when she realized you were trying to attract Alucard," Walter continued. "She only wanted to make sure she kept you for herself..."

"Kept...ME...for...herself...oof," Ceres managed to get out before collapsing to the floor in a faint.

A pause. "Ceres? Did I do something to upset you?"

Owari

* * *

If you do not review, I will force you to watch Pokemon until your brain turns to jelly.

Integra: You'd better listen to her…look what it did to me in this fic! TT


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